Never goes like you expect it to, eh?
And why should it. I learned long ago that the universe just wants to take a piss on us.
What? Hells yes I want another drink, boy. I didn’t come here for the view.
Like I was saying, things weren’t going like I expected.
I told you about that ornery little Chinaman I brought down to his aunt? No? Well, the higher ups didn’t like it and decided to pay yours truly a visit. Luccio herself came down, with some young punk named Ramirez. Said I should of taken care of things differently. Should have taken his head, and not bothered with anything else. Yeah, I said head! But hey, I was just trying to avoid another vampire war.
What? Never mind what that is. Give me another drink.
But while I’m chatting with my coworkers, some gook mooks show and shove guns at us. Oh, that was fun. They didn’t know they were dealing with three grade-A wardens and Fang, a young man that packs serious clout.
So, after that party, I call in some friends: a Russian cop who can be a real bitch and some sand-lover raised by leprechauns.
Apparently they got issues of their own because as soon as they show up, the lady is whining that she needs to tie the Chinese mob into an attack on her family, while the Iraqi has concerns about a run-in with a militant group of do-gooders who have a hard-on for phallic weaponry.
So I tells them, All I want is the kid. You know, the Chinaman. The little bastard that was throwing fire? You sure I didn’t tell you that story already? Anyway, he’s part of the mob, so I told the broad we could rub his grubby little hands all over some pistol that was used to kill her cousin, or uncle, or someone. But I tell her right now I need some muscle to help get the kid away from his nun-aunt.
Hey! Nuns are scary and I needed all the help I could get. So I tell her we need muscle, so she turns into a wolf.
Didn’t I tell you to stop asking stupid questions? I don’t interrupt your stories! Now, get me another drink.
So, with Fang watching the back, cop-lady turns into a wolf, and when they don’t let us in, Tariq—Tariq? The Irish-Iraqi dude. Turns into a big brass demon? Look, I know I told you about him. Anyway, he Hulk’s his way past the door, I have to talk tough to get past some Chinaman priest, and walk in to talk to Abbess Julie herself.
Um, nothing much happened there. I mean, I told her I had a job to do, and that I was trying to be civil. She completely understood of course. I have a way with the ladies, you know. Don’t give me that look, I do!
While I was chatting her up, the bitch and the demon—would you stop looking at me like that?—sniff around, and find our little Chinaman. After a scuffle, in which he throws fire and I think Tariq gets all wingy—I was outside at this point, and nuns are scary, remember…
…What? Closing time?
Well shit, give me one more for the road.